Can you think of a time in which you worried so much for so long and then, in the end, the situation went off without a hitch? Or, maybe, there were problems but not nearly to the level of worrying that you were doing? Perhaps this is you on a daily basis- worrying and ruminating – and you are contaminating the majority of potentially positive or calm moments in your day. Don’t worry. You are not alone! This is the most common issue I see in women and teen girls- hands down. It is a complicated issue to overcome and often takes much more than one simple skill to manage; however, I wanted to share this game with you that many of my clients have played in their lives to help curb ruminating. I will use an example from my own life that happened years ago.

The “So What?” Game

Step 1: Think of the situation that is bothering you.

Being late to see my supervisor.

Step 2: Tell yourself what you are worried about regarding this situation.

“She will be mad at me.” “She will think I’m an irresponsible person.” “She will think that I don’t care about her time.”

Step 3: Ask yourself, “If the thing that I worried about actually happened, why is that so bad?”

“Well, then she might lecture me and the meeting would be uncomfortable.”

Step 4: Respond to yourself and ask, “So what?”

“Well then she may tell other people that I am irresponsible and inconsiderate.”

Step 5: Repeat Step 4 until you can no longer think of any other consequences and are, basically, at the worst case scenario (within reason).

“My supervisor and some other people will think that I am irresponsible and inconsiderate.”

Step 6: Ask yourself, if this worst case scenario happened, could I handle it? Would it still matter in one year? Will it matter in one month- or even one week or one day?

“Well, I guess this won’t matter in a month and I may never come across any other people that will think that I am inconsiderate for being late that time. I will just make it a priority to not be late again.”

Note: The “So What?” game should not be played for more serious issues such as if someone is treating you poorly. It is to be used for the “small stuff.”

If you would like help with your ruminating, or if you have comments regarding this post, feel free to email or call me. I would be happy to help you.

Recently, I heard a story on the radio that I wanted to share. A woman wrote into a radio show to talk about an “aha” moment that she had. She reported that she went to a Starbucks drive-thru to get a coffee and discovered that the line was enormous. She was thinking, “How in the world do these people have time to wait in a line that long? That’s ridiculous.” But then she thought about how nice it would be to have an extra five minutes to slow down and be present in her day. She realized that that this long line of drivers were possibly thinking the same thing.

This is a reminder to me about the importance of being present in your life. Over the years, I have heard several wise people talk about the consequences of not being mindful. A pastor once said, “If you are too busy, you cannot hear God in your life.” Oprah has been known for saying, “The universe speaks to us always first in whispers….and if you don’t pay attention to the whisper, it gets louder and louder…and sometimes, if you still don’t pay attention, you will hit a brick wall.”

What do you think that you are missing in your life by a lack of presence, stillness, and moments of peace in your day? If God, the universe, Jesus, Buddha, and/or maybe your children or your spouse was trying to tell you something, what do you think that would that be? Do you need to hit a brick wall (i.e. lose a connection with your children, get farther and farther away from who you really are, lose your mind) before you are forced to slow down or can you make a change today?

Here is my challenge. Do less this next week. Say “no” to doing something in your week or on your weekend, and don’t replace it with more busy-ness. Sit in the quietness for just 5 minutes. Get in touch with your sense of spirituality, whatever it is. Be present with your friends and family. Whatever you do, just slow down and take time to be present. I know you will find it valuable.

I admit- this mindfulness stuff is hard for me too. Life gets busy and we do all we can just to make it through everyday, AND it is worth the investment to try to be more mindful. Will you join me in participating in the 5 minute mindfulness challenge? For one week, make a commitment to do one, 5 minute mindfulness practice everyday for 7 days. Then, if you’d like, check in with me via email to let me know about your progress- or lack thereof.

Eckhart Tolle, author of A New Earth, has stated, “Everyone has time for five minutes of peace in their day.” With that said, here are 3 ways that you can practice mindfulness in your day to day lives.

1.  Listen to meditation podcasts (most recommended). Take your ipod or computer, close your bedroom, bathroom, or office door, and invest 5 minutes in your happiness. Try these sites:

•http://www.relax-online.com/imageryonline.htm

•http://www.learningmeditation.com/room.htm

•https://members.kaiserpermanente.org/redirects/listen/ (these are a bit longer- possibly something to work up to)

2.Try one of the ideas from Knight Light’s introductory mindfulness report, Are You Mindful? 11 Tips to Ease Stress.  (To sign up for the newsletter and receive this report, go to www.knighttherapy.com.)  Some examples are:

· Sit down and eat breakfast. Focus only on the experience of eating breakfast instead of eating while reading the morning headlines, packing your lunch, or driving to work.

· Lie on the couch and listen to the clock tick. Do this for as long as you can, redirecting your attention back on the clock every time you notice yourself losing focus.

· Sit in your back yard and listen to the sounds around you.

3.  Take an extended bathroom break. Go to the bathroom, close the door, and focus on deep breathing. Notice what you see around you and note those things to yourself. This helps you to be present in the moment instead of worrying about your to-dos for the day.

I look forward to hearing from you about how mindfulness is changing your life!

A couple of days ago, during my therapeutic 40 minute commute home from Salem, I was processing my day. In this time, I usually spend some time thinking about my clients, what makes them tick, and what is holding them back from accomplishing their goals. I thought about a client that had an “aha” moment in a session when I asked them a question about what was working in her life. I often ask something like, “What do you think you did that kept you from blowing up at your husband?” We often don’t realize the things that are working, or the things that we are doing that keep up from completely losing it some days, and tend to mainly focus on what we need to fix. For you, maybe coming home and taking the dog for a walk is a therapeutic way that you recharge for the evening’s activities, and you just don’t realize how helpful it really is. Maybe you don’t realize that getting your cup of coffee in the morning is a coping skill that you use to ease you into the day. I often tell my clients that one of my jobs is to make them realize the skills that they are already using in their lives, and then teach them how to intentionally use them more often.

Then I started thinking about my life. I began to note to myself the things that were working in my life instead of focusing on what needed “fixing.” I realized that I haven’t intentionally thought about this powerful concept that I use with my clients in my own life. I thought, “What if everyone took a couple of minutes to process what is working in their life, versus what is not working?” We tend to believe in the when/then concept: when ____ happens, then I will be happy/start focusing on myself, etc.  A common example of this is, “When work isn’t so busy, then I will start exercising again.” As we know, life tends to be continuously throwing things at us and, if we wait until everything is calm, then we will never be content or get things done that we want to accomplish. One way to not fall into this trap is to ask yourself, “What is working and how can I keep doing more of that?”

Please feel free to email me at Stephanie@knighttherapy.com to share your thoughts on this concept. I would love to hear what is working in your life and what you are going to do to keep doing more of that in order to keep moving toward your goals.

I can honestly say that I have never been unable to see where a client is coming from- no matter their circumstance. We all have past experiences that influence the way that we live in the world. If people have a difficult time changing, it is understandable.  Change is difficult for a lot of people. If you need help getting out of a rut that you are in, I would be happy to help you. Call (503) 501-6959 for a free 15 minute consultation to discuss how I may be able to help, or you can email me at stephanie@knighttherapy.com.

A few months ago, I wrote a newsletter entitled, “Calm Down. You Are Not Being Chased by a Bear.” This concept was derived from a statement in local author, Al Lee’s, book, Perfect Breathing. In the book, Al talks about the fact that our chaotic lifestyle often leads to us breathing short breaths and actually holding our breath for long periods of time. What really struck me is when he said that, because of our busy lifestyles, our bodies are often in the fight or flight mode- a physiological response designed to help us protect ourselves if we are in danger, such as if we were being chased by a bear. The thing is, though, that we live our lives as if we are being chased by a bear-but there is no bear! A recent statistic showed that 90% of doctor’s visits are stress related, and our bodies being in this heightened state on a regular basis is very much responsible for stress-related illnesses (i.e. high blood pressure and heart disease). We have to slow down, breathe, and re-prioritize.

This week, the chased-by-a-bear idea came up several times in my interactions with other practitioners in the community, and I wanted to share it with you all. Yesterday, I spoke with a family nurse practitioner at Monteray Health Center in Milwaukie, Pam Rathbone, who discussed adrenal fatigue. Pam reported that adrenal fatigue, a syndrome most commonly caused by stress, creates symptoms that are similar to the symptoms of depression including lack of energy and motivation, low sexual desire, and feeling tired for no reason. She reported that stress usually causes adrenal fatigue because, when we get stressed, our adrenal gland releases hormones that mobilize our body’s response so that we can cope in crisis. When we are going through a major stressful situation, or are just living chronically stressful lives, these hormones get depleted- leading to adrenal fatigue. What a great reminder to be proactive in managing our stress!

Then, today, I was having coffee with Dr. Julie Brush, a naturopathic doctor at 2BWell in Lake Oswego, and she was talking about the consequences of our fast-paced lifestyle as well. In response to the chased-by-a-bear idea, she added, “Yeah, our cortisol and adrenaline levels are on overdrive.” Surprisingly, this week was full of conversations like this with different practitioners (too many to quote), and it was quite a reminder of the value for peace and mindfulness in our daily lives.

So, what can you do to prevent stress-related illnesses? There are many ideas. Here are five.

1. Stop overscheduling yourself and your family. There is a reason I entitled by blog Too Busy to Live. Stop overscheduling your life and be present in the now. Doing more and scheduling more only makes us live our lives with quantity and not quality.

2. Take breaks to relax, breathe, and meditate. Meditating doesn’t have to be sitting in the lotus position and doing ohms. It can be sitting in the stillness of your home before the kids get off of school and just breathing. It can be taking a couple of extra minutes on your bathroom break to relax, breathe, and regroup. It can be waking up a little earlier than usual to sit and pray. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as you are breathing, preferably in some sort of quietness, and being in the present moment.

3. Create balance in your life by doing things that you enjoy. Try to get some “me time” in your day or week, where you do something that you enjoy, in order to recharge for others and yourself.

4. Take care of yourself. Here are the basics- exercise at least 3-4 days a week, get 6-9 hours of sleep per night, and eat a balanced diet.

5. Get support from professionals to stay healthy. Mental health therapists, medical and naturopathic doctors, and yoga instructors are just a few folks that could help you get back on the right track. This is especially vital if you are experiencing symptoms of depression or anxiety.

Simply stated, mindfulness is awareness and intentional focus on the present moment. Many studies have been done on mindfulness, and mindfulness is a consistent component among many evidence-based practices that treat common disorders such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and addictions. Mindfulness is not just helpful for those who suffer from a disorder. Mindfulness is also helpful for those with stress, mood swings, worry, relationship problems, or for those who simply want a more peaceful way to live. You may have heard about mindfulness in the media, but wondered, “What’s the big deal about mindfulness?” Well, here are some reasons why mindfulness, i.e. being in the present moment most of the time, can significantly decrease stress and improve your quality of life.

1. By focusing on the present moment most of the time, you are eliminating time spent worrying about regrets of the past or worries about the future.

2. It forces you to simplify your life because it is very difficult to be mindful when you are juggling too many things.

3. You learn to have deeper relationships with people because you are more present in conversations with them.

4. You have a deeper awareness of your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors which is helpful in preventing and resolving stressful situations.

5. You get more accomplished. Research shows that you accomplish more when you focus your energy on one thing at a time.

If you would like to learn how to be more mindful or discover how mindfulness can specifically help you in your life, call Stephanie at 503-501-6959. You can also email Stephanie at Stephanie@knighttherapy.com.

The mother-daughter relationship is known for being close, conflictual, and/or influential. Due to the nature of this special relationship, there are bound to be strong feelings and potential for conflicts. Although it may seem like a stereotype, women have tendencies to communicate in different ways than men. For example, women tend to be socially constructed to be less assertive and more subtle about their strong beliefs. As a result, women have tendencies to be more passive-aggressive in their communication, making problems less likely to be resolved and resentments more likely to fuel attitudes toward one another. (Men can also be passive-aggressive at times but, for the sake of this article, I will just focus on women.) Please consider the following suggestions for improving your communication with your mother and/or daughter.

For Daughters:

Show respect. Oftentimes, as a teenager or an adult daughter, you can forget that your mother has a lot more life experience than you do. When they give you advice, show them respect by looking at them in the eye, listen without interrupting, and work to understand their point of view- even if you may not agree with it. Don’t roll your eyes, sigh, or listen while doing something else at the same time.

Have patience. I know it seems as if your mother doesn’t understand your life. When they ask seemingly obvious questions or act in ways that embarrass you, just give them some grace and patience. After all, you can probably be just as annoying to her at times.

Sacrifice some friend time. Yeah, I know you probably feel like your friends or your boyfriend/husband understands you better at this period of your life than your mother; however, it is important to nurture a relationship that you will most likely have forever. Set aside some quality time to spend with your mother on a consistent basis, whether it be once a week or once a year- depending on your distance from each other.

For Mothers:

Get with the times. When I was younger, my brother and I used to tell my mom, “Mom, get with the times.” This was usually after she asked a naïve question relating to pop culture. In order to better understand and, most importantly, have things to talk about with your daughter, brush up on current events in popular culture, the latest in Hollywood gossip, etc.

Don’t label. I often hear mothers say, “She’s my quiet one” or “She’s the rebellious one.” While these are most likely true, studies have shown that people tend to live up to their labels. As a result, it is harder for people to change from the label they are assigned. Do you label your daughter? What would you label her? Do you think she lives according to that? Be mindful of your use of the label around her and the way you act toward her as a result. For example, for your “rebellious one,” you may have lower expectations for her in school or in extracurricular activities.

Teach them to be intrinsically motivated. From my experience, many teenagers who are resilient to negative influences (i.e. drugs, sex, skipping school), have a strong set of values. This often comes from having parents with consistent rules and consequences, and a spiritual foundation of some sort. Resilient teenagers also tend to not want to disappoint themselves or their parents if they do something wrong. This shows that they are motivated by doing what is “right” (being intrinsically motivated) versus just not wanting to get in trouble (being extrinsically motivated).

For Daughters and Mothers:

Validate each other. During conflicts or disagreements, it is important that you let each other know that you understand where the other person is coming from. Statements like, “I can understand how you’d feel that way. I might feel that way too if I were you” help the other person feel heard and, therefore, less defensive.

Don’t assume the worst of each other. When mothers and daughters have a conflictual relationship, they tend to complain about one another and assume the worst of their intentions (i.e. “They are trying to make my life miserable”). People might do this in their other broken relationships, as well. Step back and think about their point of view. Think about some of their redeeming qualities. Chances are, if your relationship with your mother is broken, then you might want to repair it. Looking at them as a person and not a villain may be the first step.

Be clear in your communication with each other. As I mentioned before, women (and many people in general) tend to communicate in a passive-aggressive way- often disguising what it is that they really want. A common example is when you say, “nothing is wrong” when something is really bothering you. Be obvious about how you feel and what you want in an assertive way. For example, instead of saying, “I guess you don’t have any time for me” say “I would like for us to start spending more time together.”

Use I messages. An “I message” is, I feel ___________ when ____________ because ________________. While this may feel awkward at first, it is a less threatening way to communicate. You can put this into your own language to make it feel more authentic. For example, “I have felt kind of bummed whenever our movie nights get canceled because I really want to spend time with you.”

Give power to both parties by negotiating. If you and your daughter/mother are in a disagreement about something, try thinking of a way that you can compromise. If you cannot think of a specific compromise, try saying, “I want you to go to grandma’s this weekend; you don’t want to go to grandma’s this weekend; what do you think we should do?”

Last week I saw the weather forecast for this current week. On Wednesday and Thursday it was labeled “snow storm?” I think that this news caught on quite fast because not only was the news stating that they were “gearing up for the worst,” but my colleagues, clients, friends, and family members were talking about having a snow day on Wednesday. I heard many say, “I may not be able to go to work [or school] because of the snow.” Well, as we saw, there was really little to no snow on Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday. I think people were disappointed- including me. I love the quiet peacefulness of snow and the forced break that it gives us to slow down.

Were you one of those anxious weather-watchers that was disappointed with the lack of a “storm?” Perhaps this is a sign that you need a break and are feeling overwhelmed- or perhaps you are depressed and looking for an excuse to do nothing, which is what you wish you could be doing every day. If this either of these is you, here are my suggestions.

If you are overwhelmed with a busy schedule:

• If you haven’t had a break for a while, take a “mental health day” and make it the relaxing day that you wish you had in a snow storm.
•  Take a look at your schedule this week and eliminate the things that you don’t have to do, such as non-work related meetings.
• Commit this upcoming weekend to one that is relaxing and rejuvenating, instead of being filled with activities and get-togethers.
• Get away for a night or two somewhere local.
• If you regularly feel overwhelmed, look at a visual of your weekly schedule (I recommend Google maps) and reorganize it to fit the kind of lifestyle you can manage. You may choose to do this on your mental health day.

If you are depressed and are avoiding things:

•  Think of one to three small steps in your schedule that you can take to move forward (i.e. apply for 2 jobs a week, get up and shower every morning by 8:00, and visit with one friend or family member each day).
•  Do something that you find pleasure in everyday, even if it is going to Starbucks or watching a favorite funny movie.
•  Share your struggles with a friend, family member, or counselor in order to gain support and/or establish an accountability person.
• Seek individual and/or group therapy to address these feelings of depression.

Chances are that, if you are thinking about making changes in 2011, money may be a part of those changes.  Money problems can sometimes be a result of other issues, such as avoidance of emotional pain (otherwise known as “retail therapy”) or poor relationship communication. If you feel in over your head about money problems, it may be helpful for you to seek help from a financial and/or mental health counselor.

I highly recommend Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University course. Find a course near you at http://www.daveramsey.com/fpu/home/.

Here are a few tips that may help you be more mindful about money- with a little help from Dave Ramsey.

1. Get real with yourself.  Are you spending outside of your means? Dave Ramsey recommends the following basic percentages of your monthly income:

Housing: 5-10%
Savings: 5-10%
Utilities: 5-10%
Food: 5-15%
Transportation: 10-15%
Clothing: 2-7%

For the full list, see www.daveramsey.com and search “recommended percentages.”

Are you spending too much of your money on clothes or eating out? Do you save money every month? If not, it may be FREEING to make some changes. Try cutting up your credit card.

2. Make a SPECIFIC budget.  Make sure that you know where every dollar from you and/or your partner’s paychecks are going. My husband and I each made our own versions, then got together to make a final draft. That way, we both spent equal energy on it AND were on the same page.

3. Use cash.  I HIGHLY recommend using cash instead of debit cards. Physiologically speaking, it is much more emotionally  painful to see your money leave your possession than to swipe your debit and, especially, your credit card.

Dave Ramsey’s program highly recommends using the envelope system. This is when you separate the budgeted amount of money for each category into different envelopes. That way, when you use your last amount of cash allotted for going out to eat, then you cannot go out to eat for the rest of that month. What a concept!

Warning: Using cash can be completely life changing and can make you a MILLION times more mindful about your money. Just make sure to keep your envelopes safe and secure.

4. Tolerate discomfort.  Have you heard the saying, “The feeling of being healthy is better than the feeling of eating (insert favorite unhealthy food)”? Well, that’s kind of how it is with being disciplined with money. It can actually feel really good to resist spending money on something that you cannot afford so that, later, you can be debt free.
(Note: Indulging in your favorite junk food isn’t always “bad.” Everything in moderation.)

5. Redefine success.  Make being financially secure your definition of success, not a fancy car that you cannot afford or an unrealistic house payment. Think about the non-tangable things that you value in your life, such as quality time with the ones you love or your health.

I often blog about things that I notice in my life, the lives of my friends and family, or trends in the lives of my clients. I think that, in the past, Katy (my previous assistant) did the same thing. I was recently reminded of my newsletter about Living Your Life Like a Good Story when I watched the movie 127 hours. This movie is a true story about Aron Ralston- the man who cut off his own arm in order to save his life. The courage of Aron and the cinematography in this amazing movie inspired me to want to be more adventurous and spend more time outdoors- and off the couch.

I think that it is important to keep inspiration in your life in order to keep pushing yourself to live the life that you want. Just as referenced in my newsletter, it is important that you look at your values. Do you value adventure? Spirituality? Giving to others? Being successful in your career? Spending quality time with your friends and family?
It is important to:

1. Identify your values- i.e. what is most important to you.
2. Find ways to keep inspiration in your life that relate to your values.
3. Start or schedule something TODAY! Not after the holidays, not on Monday, not tomorrow- TODAY!

Here are 15 ideas to inspire you:

1. Attend regular services that practice or speak to your spiritual beliefs
2. Volunteer on a regular basis at an organization that is important to you
3. Share your goals with an accountability partner so that you can keep each other motivated
4. Watch inspirational movies or video clips
5. Listen to inspirational music
6. Attend motivational talks or speeches (i.e. AA or NA speaker meetings)
7. Do a random act of kindness or a surprising, thoughtful thing
8. Participate in a spiritual group study or in a book club
9. Teach others about a topic that is important to you
10. Take a class, such as a art, dance, or academic class
11. Plan a trip or vacation
12. Do something outdoors, such as hiking, fishing, or running
13. Start a new hobby or sport
14. Give to a charity or start one of your own
15. Write a thank you note or give someone a complement